WAY TO GO!

Busting up a relationship used to require nobility and sacrifice. If you had to share it with anybody, it was with a close friend like Jack Daniels. Breaking up was hard to do, so you did it nicely and thoughtfully. You used phrases like, “It’s not you, it’s me (when really the truth was, “it’s your best friend”), and then walked away with a clean conscience and the confidence that there were bigger and better cleavages to conquer.

The old school says: “Get over it.” However, the new school splits up like a demolition derby. The mantra is: “Put yourself first. They didn’t cut the mustard, so you cut your losses. Deal with it, fight back hard, do what you want to your ex, but spare yourself. Be bitter, be twisted, be stupid, be fickle, be cowardly, but win.”

These days, love means never having to say you’re sorry, even if you’re caught with a
hooker on your knob. Love is a verbal agreement; the paper is for the splitting up. Nobody breaks up in person anymore. Some years back, breaking up by phone was unforgivably cruel. Today, it’s the polite option.

Compare other popular alternatives: Sly Stallone told Jennifer Flavin via Federal Express, which is, at least, absolutely guaranteed to get there overnight. Daniel Day Lewis and Phil Collins used the fax, presumably spurred on by the knowledge that if the hurt doesn’t fade, at least the ink will. The truth is that men are complete cowards in two things _ chatting up and splitting up.

Now you can do it the Nineties way. Letting her see you with other women is very good. And modern. But it’ll rub it in just that little bit further if you’ve paid for them. Rent a whore. Hookers are always the convenient choice of the thrusting careerist too busy to find real people to chat with. But remember, girls, don’t be an Elizabeth Hurley-type. If he hires a mouth, take yours elsewhere.

It’s taken several years for men to understand that good deeds mean bad news. No one respects a man who’s pussy-whipped, certainly not the pussy that’s doing the whipping. Furthermore, getting her to dump you because you’re too nice is a great move. You come out looking good and nobody is the wiser. Doing the right thing at the right time, like stopping smoking, having children and opening a joint bank account, is an excellent way to make her your ex. You could always let her spend all your money. Or, better still, be like Mike Tyson ad let her mother spend all your money.

And don’t believe any hype about how getting clean and sober would save your relationship. While climbing on the wagon might not be a lot of fun, it’s unlikely you’ll take any excess baggage with you. Even publicly proclaiming that your relationship is doing well can fall into this category and translate as: “We’re in a relationship bleeding from all orifices.”

A diamond may be forever, yet these days “forever” doesn’t seem like such a good idea. Give her a diamond for no apparent reason and once upon a time you’d have been stuck with her for life. In new-school terms, she’ll be too suspicious and humiliated to stay. A word of warning though: some years back, she would bolt and throw the rock behind her _ today’s wronged party keeps the ring. It screws you financially, but she’ll save you money in the long run by being gone, gone, gone.

The new school says that if you spot your partner’s career floating in the loo, that’s a good enough reason to flush. None of this “staying together through thick and thin” crap: that’s so outré. Now, success brings an automatic spousal upgrade. You have to commit to yourself 100 per cent if you want to make it big while you’ve still got the time. Who cares about keeping some woman? You might have known her for years, but there is always another ride waiting at the corner. Beautiful women go moist at one whiff of a successful man. So don’t feel bad when you shed that unsuccessful thing lying next to you in bed. You’re on the cutting edge of career-relationship management.

Some years ago, the world was a gentler place _ for everyone but the man who wanted to be free. Now, it’s fools who spare the feelings of the one they used to love. You’ve sacked them from your company, baby, and it feels good. Don’t be a baby, be a man. Sell out. It’s a today thing.