Monday, October 16, 2006

MY FIRST TIME!

How better to get in touch with your feminine side than with neatly manicured nails and creamy feet?

After soaking for a while they'd trim your toenails, muck with your cuticles, massage your feet and legs, and other things that make you realise how decadent this really is.
Man, was it cool.
I have never had a facial, a manicure, a pedicure, a hand massage, or waxing of any kind, although I let the barber mess with my top dome for a head (read scalp) massage. Also, threading under my eyes once, ten years ago. Very nasty. For no particular reason, entering a man’s salon has become as mythological for me as visiting a “massage” parlour, and I’ve never been to one of those either. For all sorts of reasons, probably connected with my upbringing at an all-boys school, and that, too, controlled by the army, I’ve been dreading my salon deflowering.
I thought about it. On the one hand, getting a manicure seemed pretty…girly. On the other hand, everyone knows that mobsters of distinction have no issues with having well-groomed nails, you got a problem with that? And there was that Bugs Bunny episode, Hair-Raising Hare, with the monster chasing him around and eventually getting a manicure. I hadn’t seen that cartoon in years…in a way, getting a “personal hand detail” was a way to reconnect with a childhood question I had never thought to ask. Plus, I always like a good sales pitch, especially when it’s in a comfortable environment.
“Ok, let’s do it.”
One thing I was sure: I didn't want to walk out smelling like a flower!
I was led into an entirely new part of the salon, a small room with pretty curtains, by the friendly nail tech. I immediately noticed a tall chair in the corner, resembling a dentist’s chair, except instead of scary arms there was a serious-looking metal basin with whirlpool jets in it.
“What’s that?” I asked excitedly.
“That’s the pedicure chair.”
“There’s massaging jets and stuff for your feet?”
“Yes!”
Very intriguing… I thought.
I was shown to a small table with a basket of nail products. The basic procedure was to soak your hands in a solution of soapy water—to soften up the cuticles. Cuticles, he explained, should be neatly trimmed back. He had a pair of sharp clippers that were used to cut off the dead flaps of skins that had accumulated, then used another rounded tool to push them back. He used two kinds of emery boards; a coarse one to shape the nails, and a finer one to buff the surface.
One surprising thing was the way he filed the nails; he worked the filing motion in such a way that the edges of the nail were rounded, almost like finishing the edges on a fine piece of furniture. The result was a very closely-fit edge that felt great. Amazing!
After the cuticles were pushed back, trimmed, and the nail surfaces were buffed, some kind of oil (scented with cherries) was applied to the nail surface and cuticles. The idea I think was to condition the surface of the nail, but I’m not sure. It smelled exactly like an almond jelly dessert I recently had at an upscale Chinese joint. This led to a discussion of interesting restaurants in the area, which is always welcome. And here was a second surprise: getting your nails worked on by a professional while chatting is really relaxing. The last time anyone cut my nails was when I was a kid. Mom would cut them, and the experience was always kind of stressful because sometimes she would cut a little too deep, or we would squirm and twist around awkwardly. This was utterly relaxing.
Totally comfortable now, I asked several followup questions:
Can you tell anything about a person by their cuticles? Not really, he said, but you see a lot of people who bite them off. Men, especially. We both agreed that this was disgusting.
Are people embarassed about their feet when they get a pedicure? Yes, all the time. But that’s why they’re getting it done, to get it taken care of in the summer. I asked why, and he said “women wear sandals in the summer.” And then I was struck by how much awareness that women must have about what’s showing and what’s not. As guys, we don’t really care or even notice these things consciously, but apparently women do. I remember once talking to a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, and I kept thinking that there was something different but I couldn’t figure it out. I mentioned this out loud and his wife laughed; he had just gotten an eyebrow wax to de-unibrow his forehead. Just a light fuzz was removed, but it made him look more alert; it indeed made a difference. The details do matter!
After the nails soaked in the oil, it was removed with some kind of alcoholic solution. I asked what it did, and he explained that this strips the oil from your nails so when they were painted with the polish, it would stick. I must have tensed up, because he immediately assured me that I wouldn’t be getting that done. Some men, though, like a clear nail polish. Shiny nails are more attractive, apparently. This was later corroborated by another friend whose father was a fighter pilot. Later in life, she discovered that he liked his nails to look neat, and got his own home manicure stuff to ensure they looked good all the time. Seeing her tough-as-nails dad splaying out his hands, thoughtfully painting them with clear nail polish…apparently, it was quite the mind-bender.
So the nails were done, but I was in for the third surprise: the moisturising hand massage. I was talking about something, and then the massage began. “Oh, I didn’t know I got a massage!” I exclaimed. “This is really….nice!” And indeed it was. When I relay this part of the story to female friends, they all cackle with conspiratorial glee. Men of Earth, this is one of their Great Secrets! Women go to the salon and get pampered with awesome massages and scented oils, and it rocks. I would never have guessed in a million years that this was the whole point…it just feels good! Sure you could cut and file your nails at home, but having a professional do it with grace and personal care is a total luxury. Why can’t visiting the doctor be like this? Total customer satisfaction! It’s also cool that this salon has a big basket of lollypops up front. They’re not stingy with them either, unlike some doctor’s offices I’ve been to. “I’m sorry, sir, but those lollypops are reserved for our…younger patients.” Bah.
Comrades! I would recommend having a personal hand detail. Now coming to the personal foot detail. I would find it a bit weird having a stranger fiddling with my feet as I must confess, it’s very-very ticklish down there. But how effeminate was I prepared to get? My pedicurist didn't altogether put me at ease when I discovered I was in full public view with a couple of girls sitting right in front smiling at my discomfort.
Anyway, here is how you get rubbed the right way! This is the pedicure routine: You sit in the cushioned chair on a stand that includes a foot-tub with jacuzzi jets right in front of you. After a few moments of soaking, the pedicurist begins rubbing and grooming your feet. For the next hour, he takes the lotions and scrubber foam all the way to your knee, massaging and rubbing. He dries your feet with a soft terry towel, scented with vanilla. Then he takes one side at a time and spends 10 minutes or more massaging lotion into your skin from knee to toes. That’s the part where you nearly melt into the water-jetting foot tub - I personally think they need seatbelts on the chairs. He cuts, trims, cleans and digs. All the while you sit in the overstuffed, leather, massaging chair watching Oprah. When I was at the salon, her programme was all about why women leave their men. I could have told her why. They have dirty, stinking feet. Those men could have saved their marriage if only they gotten a pedicure.

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